On Midlife
I turned 40 in 2021. It snuck up on me. Mostly because I had spend my twenties dealing with mental health issues and higher education, my thirties with a marriage and divorce. When I entered midlife I didn't have any of the signifiers that culture and history attach to that time. It has only been in the last five years that my professional and personal lives have become stable and successful enough that I no longer feel like I'm merely surviving.
The "Crisis"
I don't think the midlife crisis plays the role that it once did in pop-culture. I remember my dad's 40th birthday. It was an event. Dozens of families, colleagues, and neighbors came over to our house for a party that lasted most of the day and long into the night. The jokes about buying motorcycles, fast cars, or 'trading' in my mom for a new model were near constant and received with loud chuckles. It used to be a trope of both serious and comedic cinema. Is it still? I can't think of any recent movies or shows that center it. But, I also am disconnected from much of pop culture now.
It doesn't feel like a crisis for me. Right now. With the delay of all the normal markers of what in America we considered adulthood, perhaps it will come in another ten years? What I do find myself realizing though is that I don't have as much time left as I once did. That I've spent a great deal of the limited time I have doing things I don't care about or enjoy. Early in my career I worked extra hours, and then went out with workmates and peers, where we continued to either do work or network for work. I did not enjoy this. I told myself it would pay off in the 'future.' The future has arrived and it has not.
The Crisis
No, what I am trying to do now is focus on the people, activities, places, and things that will bring me and those I love happiness. My professional life continues, but it's not where my focus is any longer. This re-direction of my attention though, this re-prioritizing of my time has lead me to some conclusions: I will never be this young again, and so I want to skateboard and ride a motorcycle (things I have wanted to do since I was 7 or 8) I need to do that now. If I want to paint (something I gave up in High School to focus on more serious studies) I need to make that time and space for that now. If I am going to see any of the places I have read about in books for my entire life I need to be planning and setting aside funds for that now.
Resolution
That is what I am doing. I've reorganized my work schedule. I'm using my vacation days, I'm setting money aside to travel. I'm looking at art classes and skateboarding lessons. To someone who does not know me I suppose that can look like a crisis. It doesn't feel like one. The Crisis was the first twenty years of my adult life. That was when I was drowning - emotionally, financially, etc. Now, I finally have some meager means to cobble together a full life, it is a indictment against the world we live in that it took this long. I'm not going to delay that full life any longer though. I need to live.